and another day goes by...

Im feeling better today. Every week, on thursday the medication is increased. Today was more doctors and tests. More presciptions for more tests..too.

I felt pretty good though. I decided to shop for most of the day. I can't remember the last time I went shopping alone for ME. Im always rushed or with kids or buying things for other people. Today was just for me and I felt good. I didnt wear a watch. I just kept looking and looking. Here's what I bought:

A cerulean blue dress coat

A pink, brown and sage paisley tote bag with mahogany leather trim.

Rosey mauve suede shoes with little bows on the vamp.

2 pairs of black pants in different styles

A mauvey black and maroon pucci inspired silk blouse

A black and white crazy printed blouse

An oversized wooley stockinette stiched poncho (cream)

A very freaky blue and white pork-pie hat

My doctor this morning was very comforting...which is a nice feature for a gynocologist to have.

Well its been a week. Im not really doing so well. Luckily, the excrusiating pain in my legs has abated, but the medication I am on has this AWFUL side effect...WEIGHT GAIN.
Like, I don't have enough problems. So here I am dieting and exercising like a fiend and GAINING more.

Its killing me. I wish I could be like one of those people who just don't care how they look. I guess I need a stronger self-image.

So Im stuck. Im not going to stop my quest, but this medication this is a real bummer.

I don't know what day it is anymore.

Everything is taking a new direction.
I have a team of doctors.
Head shrinkers, analysts, orthopaedic, chiropractic and dental.
I've joined a GYM
Bernie is afraid that I may ask for an SUV next.

Not a CHANCE!
oh, and its my 43rd Birthday today.

Day 8

In the mountains
Are many companions of the Way,
Sitting Zen, chanting,
Forming a natural community.
But if you gazed
Far off from city walls,
In this direction,
All you would see is white clouds.

- Wang Wei (701-761)
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Its been cloudy here since New Year's Day when it was like, 75 f
What gives?
Its cold and grey. Everyday.

Day 7

Look up to heaven and down on earth, and they will remind you of their impermanency. Look about the world, and it will remind you of its impermanency. But when you gain spiritual enlightenment, you shall then find wisdom. The knowledge thus attained leads you to the Way.

- Sutra of Forty Two Chapters

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And on the 7th day, he rested.

One of my new years resolutions is to find a spiritual home. I have much spirituality within me but I want to share this with a community. The religion of my family is roman catholic. I feel a warmness when I attend mass, however it feels unattainable to me via the dogma of so many man made rules that have almost nothing to do with the truth of God.

So, each week I want to visit a different congregation. This week we went to RC mass and it was probably good for Bernie (who was raised without any formal religious training, lucky him) to hear the Bishop of Trenton give a lecture on Catholic sacrament of Baptism.

Next week I am thinking about the Methodists. I feel really really strange going to a service in a different church. Catholic guilt is so far reaching and all consuming. I really wish it could fill my spiritual void.

I've spent the past 9 years or so reading up on religion, eastern and western.

I've come to know two commonalities. Every society has worshipped some sort of deity. and the faith in this deity provides the follower with an deep passion. Some so deep they are driven by desire to kill and die for their belief.

I find this fact very intriguing.

Day 6

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung
Swiss psychologist (1875 - 1961)

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Okay, I'm DONE with the Vegan thang.
I gained 3 pounds. Yes, I know its probably my fault, but really....I have cainine teeth and I think I should be using them to rip flesh.

Damn, I hate my personality sometimes. I get all fired up about something and then change my mind. Like my relationships...same thing. Except for Bernie. Bernie knows me so well and loves me anyway. I need that. He rolls with the punches and seldom patronizes me. I can voice a million whacky ideas and he listens patiently and plans to support them all. When I decide to switch gears again, he just smiles.

Gosh, I hope this medication will help with my major swings. One pill is a mood stabilizer, that is supposed to help out in the "manic" stage. I guess thats why I came to my senses about this diet thing. Its just not working with my lifestyle.

Plus, I have 90 days till I need to be wearing summer clothes again. I want to do what works to look decent by then.

Back to the world of the carnivore.

Day 5

The Way does not need cultivation;
Just don’t pollute it.

What is pollution?

As long as you have a fluctuating mind,
Creating artificialities and pursuing inclinations,
All is pollution.

If you want to understand the Way directly,
The normal mind is the Way.

What is normal mind?

It has no artificial contrivance,
No right or wrong, no grasping or rejection,
No ordinariness and no sanctity.

- Ancestor Ma (709–788)
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I think I'm eating too many carbs. I need to find less carb-full vegan food.
Tofu isn't cutting it. I must say its my own fault for over compensating with the homemade whole grain bread and soy butter. I've only lost like ONE pound all week.

So, my quest is to research and find as many chemical free high protein vegan foods as possible. I like Boca Burger today.

I had my first visit to my new chiropractor today. Turns out my neck is all full of arthritis as well as my lower back. Shheeesh. No wonder I have tons of pain in those areas. My neck is also so damaged that its curving the WRONG WAY. My right hip is 1.5 inches higher than my left and my left hip is twisted backwards. My lower spine looks like I have scoliosis. I have arthritis in my left hip also, where the femor connects.

So, no wonder I am mentally, emotionally and physically a wreck. I made a treatment plan with her for 3 visits per week for a month for starters.

Eventually, I should feel better.

Gosh.

Day 4

"True understanding is possible only when we are fully conscious of our thought, not as an operative observer on this thought, but completely and without the intervention of a choice."

-Jiddu Krishnamurti

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I just returned from my "analyst". Last Saturday night I watched Annie_Hall on channel_13. Woody Allen's Alvy Singer calls his psychologist his "analyst". Nowadays we call this professionals, "therapists" but anyway, I think from now on I will refer to Ken as my "analyst". So, my analyst sends me to a psychiatrist. Dr. Marcus tells me I am bipolar with psychotic episodes. Wow. I just thought I was feeling a little blue, you know, holidays and all.
The big news is now I am fraught with medication for these "conditions". See, I think all creative types have to have some sort of mania or syndrome in order to "create". If everyone was all happy and perfect what place would the artists angst come from? I must say I am looking forward to not experiencing dramatic mood swings and not worrying about dead people watching me, but I kinda thought that made me interesting. oh well.

Back to my Vegan update.
Yesterday I found a delish rice pasta by Tinkyada. I highly recommend this non-mushy, great tasting gluten-free pasta.

In other news, I had a HORRIBLE vegan-in-a-box experience with something called "Simply Veggies" I should have read the nutrition label beforehand. It was packed with all sorts of nastiness. DO NOT purchase this product.
Luckily, I read the label before I consumed it.

I must recommend the staple of Far East brand Falafel. Since Im stuck out here in the "Swamps of Jersey" (thank you, Bruce Springsteen) and no where near good Middle Eastern food, this product makes me happy with a lil prepack of hummus.

Back to work now...

Day 3

There are examples of how perfectly realized people never uttered a single word or half a phrase without purpose. Whenever they tried to help others, they never gave random instructions, and they did not approve people arbitrarily.

Nowadays there are teachers all over who sometimes speak correctly and sometimes speak without a grasp. Why? Because they have not yet attained perfect realization. Sometimes they approve people and say they are right, but then sometimes they say they are not right; how is it possible to clarify “from birth to death, it’s just this person” in such a manner?

- Foyan (1067-1120)


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I'm amazed how my appetite seems curbed by eating nutritious food rather than empty calories. White flour and sugar are mostly eliminated, although I did eat a bit of semolina pasta last night.

I created a large pot of vegetable soup and have a few quarts ready today.
Last night, I made fettucine alfredo with fresh broccoli and califlower for the fam but modified it for myself, using instead of the butter and cream and cheese sauce, substituted olive oil, mushrooms and garlic. It was quite yummy.

I felt a bit nauseated while making ham and roast beef sandwiches for the children's lunch.

Especially now, in the midst of the horror of tsunami, just listening to it, I don't really want to eat.

Bernie's dog is sick too. I think we may need to dispose of the sofa he sits on all day. The house smells of dog vomit. Poor old dog.

This situation puts a damper on things...along with the rain.

Okay. back to work.

Vegan Day 2

Hi
Starting this new blog to document my 90-day commitment to a vegan eating lifestyle.
The first day was spent mostly eliminating lots of water and waste. I started the morning with a quart of water with the juice of one lemon squeezed into it.

I bought soy products, lots of organic vegetables and fruit. Nuts. Baked organic wheat bread.

So...this is what I consumed the first day:

Water with lemon
Coffee with soy milk (only half the amount I normally drink, this habit will die hard)
Oatmeal with dried cranberries, soy nuts, raw almond and raisins
Kale and white bean soup
zwibach with soy butter and honey
camomile tea
Tofu marinated in Ponzu, fried in olive oil
stirfry with cabbage, garlic, ginger, jalapeno pepper, scallion, broccoli, carrot
soymilk with strawberry smoothie
slice of freshly baked wheat bread with soy butter.

Second Day:
Water with lemon
Coffee
Oatmeal with fresh applesauce
4 brazil nuts
a handful of soy health mix
Tofu with cabbage, soy bean sprouts, garlic, ginger and crushed red pepper
Fresh minestrone
Fresh wheat bread
Fresh pineapple smoothie

So thats all good.

What I want you to know is that I love This_Movie